Time to Catch Up

If you've read my blog recently, you probably know that January was pretty much a terrible, horrible, no-good, very-bad month at our house.  You also might have noticed that I haven't posted in wwwwwaaaayyy too long.  Well, thanks to my lovely friend Erin, I am sitting on my couch in an empty house with a slice of yummy banana bread and a mug of amazing Tr*der Joe's chai.  (Soooo delicious! If you haven't tried it, you need to.  Just don't blame me when you're hopelessly addicted.)

So, it's time to catch up.  I'm going to stick with bullet points since most of the things in this post are going to be a bit random.

*While I haven't done a good job posting over the last couple of weeks, I have spent some time messing around with my blog design.  Thanks to this amazing website, it's goodbye orange and hello vintage pink and teal.  What do you think?  I'm still debating about whether the narrower margins make my posts hard to read.  Any input? (If you're reading this on Google Reader, you'll have to click on the title of this post to check out my new look.)

*Winter has pretty much been MIA this year.  I am not disappointed.  AT. ALL.  Jeremy keeps warning me that winter doesn't just miss the Midwest and that some gigantic blizzard is bound to show up soon (even if it waits until April).  We'll see.  I've got my fingers crossed for a 2011-12 winter free of one-digit temps and sub-zero wind chills.

*Here's proof that the weather has been mild.  Check out this picture of Lil' Miss and Miss H.  It was taken January 31.

 

Yup, those are my girls splashing in the melted snow springy rain puddles in January.  Spring has to be just around the corner, right?

*If you read between the lines last month (okay, maybe not so between the lines), you know that I pretty much had a total meltdown over our adoption paperwork (and maybe just adoption in general).  Thanks to all of you who prayed for us and provided encouragement and support during that especially rough month.  I know that God has called us to this journey.  I know he has a very special little boy (and maybe someone else....) waiting at the end of this road.  In spite of the terrible, horrible days, I am determined to continue - one step at a time.

*On that note, I have some happy adoption news.  Our social worker was finally able to make it up for our home visit.  In fact, she not only made it up here, she scheduled three of our four visits with her within eight days.  WOOHOO!  After one crazy month, we are now done with our end of the home study: visits, adoption training, TB tests - done!  We are now waiting on our social worker to write up our home study, send it to our placing agency for their approval, and then mail us the final copy.  At that point, we'll be able to apply for U.S. Immigr*tion approval (which, unfortunately, is not the quickest part of this process and kinda' makes me feel queasy just thinking about it).

*In addition to happy adoption news, I made a very happy adoption purchase this weekend.  Overall, we're pretty set for another kiddo (or two) to join our family.  A friend very graciously gave us a crib/toddler bed with a matching dresser, so we now have two crib/toddler beds, a full bed, and a bunk bed (that I snagged at a garage sale for $25).  I'm feeling pretty well prepared in the furniture department for any combination of genders and ages.  Also, thanks to my garage sale-ing addiction hobby, I've collected quite a pile of 3T and 4T boys clothes.  I'm guessing our little man will probably be in 18 months or 2T when we bring him home, but that's just a good excuse to go to more garage sales this summer. :)  So, I'm down to just a few big purchases on the Getting-Ready-to-Grow-Our-Family List.  One of them is a certain double jogger that pretty much makes me drool.  The other is a new car seat or two.  

Well, guess what?  On Saturday I found this...

on clearance at our local T*rget.  Check out the price tag.

Really, a brand-new Brit*x car seat for $39.04?  Yes, PLEASE! 

I don't think "Jonathan" is going to love the pink-and-brown.  I'm pretty much convinced this means we need to add a little girl to our crazy adoption story.  (More on this sometime soon. :)

*So, that's my life right now.  I hope this post finds all of you enjoying some almost-springtime weather wherever you are!

Two Cuties & A Sled

We got six-and-a-half inches of beautiful, powdery snow on Friday.  Perfect for sledding!  (Not so perfect for social workers who don't love driving in the white stuff.)

Jeremy had a busy day at work on Saturday, so I decided to take Lil' Miss and her buddy, Miss H, to our local sledding hill.  (I have to tell you that this hill does not compare to the sledding hills I remember from growing up.  There's something about sledding in a state where speed bumps aren't considered higher elevations.  Either that or the sledding hills of my childhood are just big in my memory.  I was kind of little back then.)

Here are the girls, all bundled up and ready for an adventure.

The weather was perfect, and the hill was full of kids sledding and snowboarding.  Here are the girls on the sled Lil' Miss got for Christmas.  

You can't really tell in this picture, but the sled is black and sort of odd looking.  It's fast, though.  A friend we ran into at the sledding hill suggested we name it the "Greased Booger".  (Not really sure I could say that with a straight face.  "Honey, could you please grab the Greased Booger out of the trunk.")

Lil' Miss has gotten super brave.  She found a friend from church who is in first grade, and the two of them went down together over and over again.  Miss H was brave too.  She actually went down once all by herself, and this was her first time on a sled!  (No, I'm not a bad babysitter.  We're talking Midwestern sledding hill here.)

Lil' Miss and Miss H went down together a few times.  It was pretty hilarious watching them try to get back up the hill.  Lil' Miss was sure she could pull Miss H and the sled.

Here's a picture just for 'Buela.  My mom loves "butt shots".  (Yes, my rear end is all over our family photo albums.  Lovely, I know.)

It was a wonderful way to spend a snowy Saturday afternoon.  When the sun started to go down, we headed to the local coffee shop for vanilla chai (for me) and hot chocolate (for the girlies).  Fun day!

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Quick adoption update...Our social worker didn't make it up for our home visit on Saturday.  Please pray that she is able to come next Saturday!  We are headed down to see her tomorrow.  If she is able to come on Saturday, we'll just have one visit left (at her office) before she can write our home study.

Some of you might remember this post, where I shared a picture another China mommy passed along to me.  This mama is adopting a little guy from our son's orphanage who is a month younger than our little man.  She just emailed me another picture.  Yay!

Her son is on the right in the purple, and she thinks our son is sitting next to him (in the blue-and-green striped sweater).  What do you think?  

Here's the really amazing thing.  If this is our little man, he's sitting between two boys who are in the process of being adopted...by families who live in the next state!  His two buddies will be just a three-and-a-half hour drive from our house.  How awesome is that?

All the Small Things

Some days I feel like I can't take another step on this journey.  This is one of those days.

I feel like I have been climbing a mountain (or scaling a cliff maybe) for just about forever.  Instead of watching the peak get closer and closer, it's lost somewhere in the fog.  Although I know it's there, the end of this journey seems like a mirage.

We're collecting paperwork for our new home study.  The same paperwork we've collected three other times in the last two years (Ghana = 1, Eastern Europe = 2, Texas = 3).  All the medical tests have to be redone.  The reference letters resent.  The financial information recopied.

I believe with all my heart this will be 100% worth it when I hold our son.  I'm just having a hard time believing that day is actually coming.

Today I cried because a lady at the County Sheriff's Office crossed out a mistake on my husband's background check instead of completing a new form.  Background checks with scribbles don't usually fly in foreign countries.

It's a small thing.  Jeremy can go back on Monday for a new form.  But there have been so many small things - and big how-do-I-keep-breathing things - that I feel like they're drowning me.

Small Things...

...I forgot to tell Jeremy where the forms were for his doctor's appointment this afternoon.  He went to his appointment without the forms.  The doctor didn't know what tests to order.  He'll have to make a new appointment and start over.

...Our social worker cancelled our home visit last week because the weather was bad.  She's supposed to come tomorrow morning instead.  The weather forecast for today/tonight says 13 degrees and 3-5 inches of snow.

Big Things...

...I have a picture of a beautiful little boy who lives in Eastern Europe.  He three years old, and his home is an orphanage for children who are HIV+.  He has an impish smile and looks adorable with his hat on backwards.  He'd be asleep on the other side of our house right now - he'd be my son right now - if our dossier had arrived in his country on May 26 instead of June 2.

...For five months we planned for a new baby to join our family this March.  We talked about baby names and imagined what a great big sister Lil' Miss would make.  We shared one precious ultrasound picture and our amazing news with friends and family.  Earlier this month we found out that baby's not going to be ours.

So, I'm having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm having a hard time smiling.  I'm having a hard time hoping that the end of all of this is out there.

This day has been full of more small things than I can handle.

What Would I Do...

What would I do without the amazing man who married me eight years and one week ago today?  The man who has been right beside me through all the good, bad, and heartbreakingly unexpected that life has thrown at us.  The man who plays basketball and Candyland (with equal competitiveness) and is his baby girl's hero, prince, and knight-in-shining-armor all wrapped into one.


What would I do without my spunky three-year-old ray of sunshine?  My sweet, crazy, inquisitive Lil' Miss who is oh-so-excited to have brothers and sisters.  My girl who wants the cashier at the grocery store to know that she's getting a brother who lives very, very far away in China and who prays with sweet innocence that we'll go get him soon.


What would I do without my roomie from college who so graciously invited me to escape to her house this weekend and has done an amazing job filling this time when I could be curled in a ball crying with Chipotle, late-night chocolate cake, and lots of retail therapy?  The friend who doesn't mind just sitting on the couch in our pjs drinking creamer coffee while one child plays Wii and the other two chase each other through the living room on tricycles.


What would I do without family who have sent a million texts to let us know that they're praying and they love us?  Family who are there for us despite the miles between us.  Family who haven't tried to come up with easy answers to questions for which there aren't any.


What would I do without my incredible circle of friends - a circle that spans so many miles and years?  Friends who have offered to come over, to listen, to pray, to do whatever it takes to walk this hard road with us.  Friends who have blown me away with their love and compassion.


What would I do without those of you I know only in Blogland?  You who have never been to my house or met me for coffee but who pray for me and my family all the same.  You who have such amazing hearts for the fatherless, the hurting, and the forgotten.


What would I do if I didn't know that my mom, my college track coach, my best friend from kindergarten, and my work-out buddy from the Y are all thinking about and praying for our family and our future children?  


What would I do without all of you?


What would I do if I had to face something like what I've faced this weekend alone?


I am blessed more than words can say.


Because I'll never have to.

The Hardest Thing

Before we adopted Lil' Miss, we had a domestic adoption fall through.  It was probably the hardest thing I have been through in my life.   Honestly.


We were chosen by a birth couple at the beginning of March.  Their baby, a boy we named Jackson, was due March 27.  After three years of longing for a baby in our family, we were ecstatic.  We got the call in the early evening and spent the rest of the night on the phone sharing our news.  Finally, finally, we were going to be parents!


With the help of many loving and supportive friends, we started getting our house ready to transition from no little ones to one precious baby boy.  Anonymous gifts were left on our porch every day.  Co-workers passed along gifts and hand-me-down baby swings.  My husband completely shocked me with flowers to celebrate our news.


A week later, we got another call.  A call saying that our birth parents had changed their minds.  They felt they were ready to parent after all.


It's been four years, and I can still remember the details of that phone call.  That email I wrote to my co-workers.  That drive home.  That weekend when the world seemed to move in slow motion and I thought I would drown in tears.


It was the hardest thing.


So, this time, we tried to prepare our hearts.  We told ourselves that nothing was certain until the baby was born and the papers were signed.  We didn't tell Lil' Miss that we were hoping a new baby was coming to our family.  (How do you explain to a three-year-old that her brother or sister isn't really going to be her brother or sister after all?)


But - try as you might - when you imagine the future, you picture things going right.  You imagine the sweet weight of a little one in your arms.  You almost smell that one-of-a-kind baby scent that you inhale greedily as you kiss your little one's oh-so-soft head.  You see yourself on the way home from the hospital, looking over your shoulder just one more time to check on an impossibly small bundle of blankets and deliciousness.  


You imagine the happy ending.


You don't imagine getting an email like the one we got last night.  A few lines that shatter your hopes and change your dreams.  An email that says your baby's birthmom has made other plans for her child.  An email that tells you that five months of trying not to hope, trying not to plan, and falling in love anyway, are over.


The baby we had hoped to adopt in March won't be coming home to our house.  He or she won't be wearing the adorable onesie Aunt Kari picked out for Christmas.  And, even though we've tried so hard to prepare for anything, my throat is tight with tears and my mouth is full of the taste of the hardest thing. 

Love Me Some Vitamin D

Today is January 6.  

The weather in our state is normally bone-chillingly arctic a bit on the cold side in January.

  BUT NOT TODAY!

Yup, that's my girl in her sunglasses.  She's wearing them because the thermometer hit a blazing 5-2 this afternoon.

Lil' Miss and I took advantage of the weather and soaked up a big dose of vitamin D.

This California girl is holding her breath for an early spring.  

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ADOPTION UPDATE

Wednesday was supposed to be our first home visit for our China home study.  (Quick Backstory:  Yes, we have done three home studies in two years, but we have to do another one with a new agency that is accredited to work with China.  Starting from scratch on paperwork = not fun.)  

Jeremy took the day off to do a few projects around the house and to keep me from completely melting down over the crumbs in the oven or the dust on top of the ceiling fans.  (I know.  I know.  I'm a teeny bit OCD.)

When our appointment time rolled around, the house was spotless.  Lil' Miss was looking and acting like a wonderfully well-adjusted three year old with parents who would be more than competent to raise one or two or three(!) more kids to healthy maturity.  The only thing missing was...our social worker.

Just as I was thinking, maybe I should call in case she got lost, my phone rang.  Unfortunately, it was my social worker - who was thinking the exact same thing.

Because our meeting was supposed to be in her office.

Two hours away.

I thought about posting an update Wednesday night, but I figured that all of you didn't want to listen to me crying myself a river.  Because, even though we were able to reschedule for next week and eight days really isn't the end of the world, it felt like the end of the world.

So, instead of posting a sad blog post, I went in the bathroom, melted into a heap, and cried until my socks were covered in tears and snot.  (Gross, I know.)

This journey has been so long.  So incredibly long.

I'm just ready for our kids to come home.

Look-A-Like or Our Little Man?

I just discovered a Yahoo group of mamas who are adopting from our little man's orphanage in China.  (This could be bad news; I see many hours of blog stalking in my future.)  I think it's amazing that I can get on the internet and find families whose children might have played with our son.  Families who have traveled to the orphanage where "Jonathan" lives.  (Yes, Lil' Miss's name is starting to stick.  And it means "gift of God".  How can you argue with that?)

Even more amazing than meeting other China mommies, is meeting one that might have a picture of our son!  When I introduced myself to the group, two moms immediately suggested I check out this picture.

One of these mamas had received this picture because her little guy is the boy on the left.  I've cropped him out because I'm still not 100% sure what the official rule is about sharing pictures on the internet.  (I did leave enough of him in for you to see that he's wearing the same shirt and shoes that Jonathan is wearing in the pictures we have of him.  Crazy the ways kids in an orphanage share everything.)  Her little boy turns two in May, while Jonathan turns two in April.  It makes a lot of sense that they would be in the same room/group at the orphanage.

So...I want to hear what you think.  Here are the pictures we have of Jonathan.

Here's the new picture, side-by-side with the head shot we have.

What's your vote?  Do you think this little mystery guy is our son?

Obviously, there's probably no way we'll know for sure.  But, when you possess exactly three pictures of your twenty-month-old son (that apparently were all taken in the same room on the same day), the thought of having one more is pretty darn exciting.  Plus, the face that little guy is making is just oh-so-adorable.  Makes me wish all the more that I could bring him home tomorrow.

One more thing...in the file of information we were given to review about our son, there was a line that said, "He likes to suck his fingers to seek the sense of safety".  (Gotta' love the way things get translated!)  The little guy above definitely has a couple fingers in his mouth.  And, if you're close to our family, you know that will be finger-lover #2 for our house.  (Lover #1 being the sweet girl who just left something that very definitely looks like a chunk of French fry on the laptop screen "kissing" her brother.)

Leave a comment...I really want to hear what you think!