All the Small Things

Some days I feel like I can't take another step on this journey.  This is one of those days.

I feel like I have been climbing a mountain (or scaling a cliff maybe) for just about forever.  Instead of watching the peak get closer and closer, it's lost somewhere in the fog.  Although I know it's there, the end of this journey seems like a mirage.

We're collecting paperwork for our new home study.  The same paperwork we've collected three other times in the last two years (Ghana = 1, Eastern Europe = 2, Texas = 3).  All the medical tests have to be redone.  The reference letters resent.  The financial information recopied.

I believe with all my heart this will be 100% worth it when I hold our son.  I'm just having a hard time believing that day is actually coming.

Today I cried because a lady at the County Sheriff's Office crossed out a mistake on my husband's background check instead of completing a new form.  Background checks with scribbles don't usually fly in foreign countries.

It's a small thing.  Jeremy can go back on Monday for a new form.  But there have been so many small things - and big how-do-I-keep-breathing things - that I feel like they're drowning me.

Small Things...

...I forgot to tell Jeremy where the forms were for his doctor's appointment this afternoon.  He went to his appointment without the forms.  The doctor didn't know what tests to order.  He'll have to make a new appointment and start over.

...Our social worker cancelled our home visit last week because the weather was bad.  She's supposed to come tomorrow morning instead.  The weather forecast for today/tonight says 13 degrees and 3-5 inches of snow.

Big Things...

...I have a picture of a beautiful little boy who lives in Eastern Europe.  He three years old, and his home is an orphanage for children who are HIV+.  He has an impish smile and looks adorable with his hat on backwards.  He'd be asleep on the other side of our house right now - he'd be my son right now - if our dossier had arrived in his country on May 26 instead of June 2.

...For five months we planned for a new baby to join our family this March.  We talked about baby names and imagined what a great big sister Lil' Miss would make.  We shared one precious ultrasound picture and our amazing news with friends and family.  Earlier this month we found out that baby's not going to be ours.

So, I'm having a hard time putting one foot in front of the other.  I'm having a hard time smiling.  I'm having a hard time hoping that the end of all of this is out there.

This day has been full of more small things than I can handle.