Patience is Not One of My Virtues

I just wanted to give you a quick adoption update and prayer request.  As you've probably surmised if you've read my other posts, the process of adopting internationally is ever-changing and incredibly uncertain.  Over the past few weeks we have learned that the Eastern European country we are hoping to adopt from is planning to temporarily close to adoptions in mid-June.  We were hoping to travel at the end of June or beginning of July, so obviously this changes our plans.

THE BAD NEWS: We have all of our paperwork done except for one paper from U.S. Immigration.  Most of our papers have already been sent to the country and translated by our facilitator there.  Unfortunately, our one paper from Immigration is not getting any closer to our mailbox.  Our application was officially received by Immigration on April 5, but we have yet to be assigned to the officer who will process our case.  (Basically this means that our application is sitting in a gigantic stack of other applications - doing nothing.)  I have begged, pleaded, and called my congressman with no luck.  My weekly calls to Immigration get the same response every time, "You have not been assigned to an officer.  We cannot estimate how long that will take.  Our processing time is 75 days."  Does SEVENTY-FIVE DAYS sound like eternity to anyone else?  (Okay...okay...patience is not a strong point for me.  Thus, the title of this post. :)

THE GOOD NEWS: As of right now, our country is estimating that the adoption closure will only last 90 days.  That means they should reopen to adoption sometime in September.  If our long-lost Immigration approval shows up and we are able to get our paperwork turned in before the June closure, there is a good likelihood we will be able to travel shortly after they reopen (in September or October).   Yes, NINETY DAYS really sounds like eternity, but it's better than an indefinite closure.  If our Immigration approval doesn't come in time, we can still submit our paperwork when the country reopens.  The downside to this is that it would bump back our travel time (and we are REALLY hoping to travel this year because we are SO READY for our kids to come home and because there is an amazing adoption tax credit that expires at the end of 2011).  The other downside is that our paperwork begins to expire after six months.  We started compiling papers in March, so there are A LOT of things we'd have to REdo, REnotarize, REapostille, and REFedEx across the Atlantic Ocean if the closure lasts until October.  REally not fun.

So...please pray for us in this time of waiting (and for the many, many other families who are in a similar situation with this country).  Pray that our Immigration approval would come in time for our paperwork to be submitted.  (We would probably need to receive it by the middle to end of May in order to have enough time for mailing and translation.)  Pray that God would bring the right kids home to our family.  And...pray that through all of this uncertainty, I would learn patience, trust in God's timing, and to slacken my grip just a little on the reins of my life.  Thanks!

Sunshine, Shovels, & Soil

Spring decided to show up for Easter today, and all three of us were super excited about it - probably me most of all.  Growing up in Northern California, I think I have forever been ruined in regard to winter weather.  To me, 45 degrees and raining = FRIGID winter weather.  So, by the time January rolls around here, I am ready for the snow to disappear and be replaced by seventy-degree sunshine.  (Even after twelve years of winters far from California, I still hold on to the wild delusion that one February this will actually happen. :)

Emma got to wear her Easter dress WITHOUT a winter coat!

The thermometer hit a blazing 66 degrees this afternoon, and we took advantage of it.  Emma helped Daddy clean out the gutters.

(Grandma, I know this picture is making you cringe.  Don't worry, everyone is still in one piece over here.  We're trying to stay away from the ER for at least a few months.)  Emma wanted to go all the way to the top with Daddy (and she kept sneaking higher and higher, one step at a time, to see if Mommy was really paying attention).  When I told her that the top of the ladder was for grown ups, she very solemnly replied, "I'm grown-up because of my vitamins."  Is she ornery, or what?

We aren't the only ones excited about sunshine; the tulips are enjoying the warm weather, too.  I love tulips and wish they would last all summer!

While Emma and Daddy tackled the gutters, I worked on our flower beds.  Our house had pretty much no landscaping when we moved in.  (Unless you count the stray peony that showed up in the middle of the lawn, looking a lot like one of those crazy trees from a Dr. Seuss book.)  Working on our yard has helped me discover that I really love making things grow.  (My mom is a natural green thumb, and I'm hoping I caught just a little bit of her gift with plants.)  This is going to sound strange, but I especially love the feel of freshly-turned soil in my hands.  I don't even mind the earthworms. :)

As I was working today, I stopped to think about all the times Jesus used word pictures from the garden when he was teaching: mustard seeds, fig trees, grapevines, good fruit, weeds and thistles.   I ran my hands through the soil I had just weeded and turned.  It was soft and damp.  I could imagine little annuals, jumping out of their six-packs and begging to be planted in my flower beds. :)  

The picture that came to my mind was of my heart.  Would God see my heart like that soil - soft, open, fertile ground where his words to me can take root and grow?  Or, have I opened my heart to things that keep it hard and dry?  Maybe I've just allowed so many things to occupy my heart and mind that there's no room for anything else to be planted.  It's so easy to fill my days with lots of "good stuff" without taking the time to keep the soil of my heart watered.

On this Easter Sunday, am I keeping my heart soft?  Am I ready to hear and obey my Savior's voice?  Jesus, the Son of God who died on a cross 2,000 years ago and whose resurrection we celebrate today, wants to plant his words in the soil of my heart.  He wants to grow his fruits in me - things I so often lack, like gentleness and patience.  

When he comes to work in this garden called me, what kind of soil will he find?

Now on the first day of the week, at early dawn, the women went to the tomb, taking the aromatic spices they had prepared.  They found that the stone had been rolled away from the tomb, but when they went in, they did not find the body of the Lord Jesus.  While they were perplexed about this, suddenly two men stood beside them in dazzling attire.  They were terribly frightened and bowed their faces to the ground, but the men said to them, "Why do you look for the living among the dead?  

He is not here, but has been raised!"

Luke 24:1-6

This Easter Sunday has been a wonderful day for our family; I hope it was for yours, too!

Our Adoption Story - Part 1

Adoption has been on our hearts for a long time.  While Jeremy and I were engaged, we talked about building our family through adoption.  We have both always wanted a big family (Jeremy often says he wants his own basketball team - and subs!), so eventually adopting a child or children just seemed to make sense to us.  We planned to have four biological children and then adopt several more through foster care.  


God had a completely different plan for us.  After a year and a half of marriage, we felt that we were ready to grow our family.  Within a few months, we began to suspect that something was wrong.  Our struggle with infertility is its own story (which I hope to share here sometime in the future).  Those of you who have been there know the heartbreaking disappointment a couple feels when their arms remain empty month. after month. after month.  after month.  (If you are walking through this valley right now, please know that I am here to listen if you want to talk.  I don't have any profound answers, but I have been there and know how much it means to feel support, prayers, and love from those around you.)


At different points, Jeremy and I came to the realization that we were ready to pursue adoption.  The timing wasn't what we had originally thought, but we still felt that our hearts had been drawn to adoption for a reason.  As we began to research our options (a process that feels a whole lot like standing in front of a fire hose and unscrewing the nozzle), we were initially drawn to international adoption from Haiti.  For a variety of reasons (including the fact that we hadn't nearly reached the ancient required age of 35), that door closed.


After A LOT more talking, thinking, and praying, we decided to adopt domestically.  Again, that is an entire story itself, but it led to the birth of our daughter, Emma Kiersten, in July 2008.  Emma's adoption was an amazing experience.  We love, love, love being parents (Terrible Twos and all), and we can't wait to meet the other children God brings into our family.


We began our second adoption journey in the summer of 2009.  This time we felt convinced that we should pursue international adoption.  (We also felt slightly more prepared, having braved the juggernaut of adoption paperwork once.)  Again, we thought of Haiti, but it still wasn't a good fit for our family.  Our second thought was a country in Africa.  Jeremy and I visited the Central African Republic in 2002, and had seriously considered missions to Africa when Jeremy graduated from seminary.


We researched Ethiopia, Rwanda, and Ghana, before deciding on Ghana.  We were told that there were many toddler boys waiting in Ghana, and this seemed to fit perfectly with our desire to adopt one or two children, ages 0-4.  In the fall of 2009, we were accepted by an agency with a pilot (new) program in Ghana.


We spent about ten months compiling our dossier (adoption-ese for the gigantic stack of paperwork you send to the country you are adopting from).  In July of 2010, we were finally ready to send everything to Ghana.  Our agency told us we would probably receive a referral (be matched with a child/ren) within one to four months.  Since that time, the program in Ghana has hit snag after snag.  


Each new obstacle in our process has been incredibly frustrating.  Adoption is one of those things in life that teaches you how completely not in control you really are - a hard lesson for a control freak like me.  However, God has used our time of waiting to open my eyes and my heart to an entirely new perspective on adoption.


Last October I read Brianna's post here.  In it she wrote the following paragraph (as well as some other REALLY powerful, thought-provoking ideas).


"The problem is that there are so very many children needing homes TODAY, right now, this very second.  They are not generally, however, healthy baby girls.  (With the masses waiting in line for them.)  They are teenagers, sibling sets, HIV+, born with Down syndrome, diabetic, hearing-impaired, developmentally delayed.  They have Hep B and cleft palates and Cerebral Palsy.  They have "unknowns."  THEY are the truly waiting children.  THEY are the faces that comprise what we call the global orphan crisis.  Kids waiting (and waiting, and waiting) for families.  Considered unadoptable by most adopting families."


Brianna's words wouldn't leave my mind and heart.  Jeremy and I felt we were being pretty open in our child request.  (We weren't asking for a healthy baby girl, after all.)  We were considering children of either gender - preschool-aged children even.  But was God asking us to consider something else?  Had we truly thought about adopting a waiting child?


(Please don't think I am saying that it is wrong to adopt a newborn, or that every family should be open to any waiting child.  That's not what I intend to communicate at all.  I do think that God wants to challenge our ideas of what a "perfect family" or a "perfect child" looks like to us.  That is what He began doing in my heart as I read Brianna's post.)


As I pondered Brianna's words, I decided to learn more about ethical adoption, waiting children, and special needs.  My research led me to the blog of an adoptive mom named Adeye.  I was especially drawn to her posts about her family's adoption of two little girls with Down Syndrome.  This post opened my eyes to the incredibly horrific circumstances that some children face every single day.  I felt blind-sided as I read about a precious five-year-old little one who weighed 16 pounds and spent her days alone and without love in a room full of cribs.  


From here, our story has taken some amazing twists and turns, but this is all I'm going to share today.  Mostly because I want you to hear from Adeye, too.  Don't stop reading.  Click here and meet sweet Hailee.

A Little Piece of Happily Ever After

Remember when you were in college and you and your roommate stayed up super late eating horrible things - like Cheese Whiz on crackers and DQ Blizzards and Chicken McNuggets - and talking about one day when you'd both be married to perfect guys and your adorable kids would be best buddies and you'd live happily ever after?  (Okay, so if you're reading this and you're a guy, maybe your conversation was a little different.  I'm not even going to venture a guess...)  

I do.   

Now we are both married to amazing guys who love the Lord with all their hearts.  

And those adorable kids...

What's cuter than two kids covered in chocolate and grass stains playing in a tree house?

There were many times when our crazy midnight dreams seemed so far away.  Life didn't always go the way we planned.  Some days have been hard.  Really. Really. Hard.

But here they are.  Our little piece of happily ever after...

God's blessings are incredible - so much bigger than we could ever get our minds around.

And, yes, they are totally getting married when they grow up.

Little Miss E.R.

Nope...as you've probably guessed, this is not the post I was supposed to write about our adoption story.  Instead it's about our first family adventure at the E.R.  We spent a lovely evening there yesterday.

The story starts around 5:00pm.  We had just squeezed in a 4:50 run to the notary and the Post Office, and Emma and I were dropping Jeremy back at his office.  Jeremy and I both had our arms full as we headed up the stairs into the church, so one of us (I won't say which one and make the sad and guilty parent feel even sadder and guiltier) lifted Emma up by her left arm to help her up the stairs.  Ummm...not a good plan.  Emma immediately started crying and holding her arm.

After determining that she was not going to calm down and Milo & Otis couldn't even distract her from the pain in her arm, we decided to take her to the doctor.  Brilliant me thought that arriving at the After Hours Clinic at 5:50 when they don't open 'til 6:00 would get us a great spot in line.  Not so much.  I guess the good spots go a little earlier (like 3:45, maybe).

We waited in line until Little Miss Pink Eye, Mr. Mystery Rash, Mr. Double Ear Infection, and a few other not-so-happy people had headed back to see the one frazzled doctor.  Emma was a trooper.  She played the whole time with her left arm hanging by her side.  Daddy read a book, and I held my breath hoping that the toys Emma was playing with were not covered in Pink Eye or Mystery Rash germs.

Finally it was our turn.  We were taken back by a very nice nurse to see a not-so-nice doctor who reminded us about 32 times that it's not a good idea to pick our daughter up by her arm.  You think?  There was a funny side to this part of the visit.  Picture this not-so-nice doctor in your mind.  He's older and kind of gruff with a little bit of a mad scientist look, but his name sounds a whole lot like Barbie.  Emma kept asking, "Where's Barbie?  Where'd Barbie go?  What's Barbie doing?"  It was pretty funny.

Anyways...Dr. Barbie was able to put Em's arm right back in place but decided she needed x-rays and a sling and sent us across the highway to the E.R.  By this time, I was really starting to doubt my ability to continue to convince Jeremy and Emma that the bag of Goldfish I threw in my purse on our way out the door was really a perfectly acceptable dinner substitute, but off to the E.R. we went.

Thankfully, Emma thought the "giant camera" that took pictures of her arm was pretty cool.  (This from a girl who cries hysterically when asked to stand on the scale at the pediatrician's office.)  I think most of the E.R. staff was pretty bored, because Em got treated like a little celebrity.  She quickly collected two shiny princess stickers, a red bouncy ball, and a coloring book and crayons.

The sling was NOT a hit.  Someone in the E.R. (who asked to be kept anonymous) told us not to worry about making her wear it.  Since it would take an excessive amount of bribery to even get Miss Emma to put the sling on (yes, the pictures in this post are totally staged), I don't think we're going to worry about it.  (Shhh...don't tell Dr. Barbie!)

All in all, it was not such a bad trip to the hospital.  Everyone came out healthy, happy, and only slightly starving.

The Best Text Ever!

If you read A-L-L the way to the bottom of my super long post yesterday, you know that we are waiting on two important pieces of mail before we can take the next step in our adoption process.  I was feeling pretty bummed yesterday as I had called both the offices we are waiting on, and both had given me the typical "We haven't gotten to it yet.  We are allowed 427 days to process your paperwork.  Please call back three weeks from Tuesday." answer.  Totally discouraging!

But...in the wee hours of the morning, I got a text from USCIS (United States Citizenship and Immigration Services) saying that they had received our application and had routed it to their Missouri office (the office that handles adoption forms like ours) to be processed.  YAY!  The lady I talked to yesterday told me they had fifteen days to accept our form and send the text.  That means FIFTEEN DAYS to open the envelope and see that we enclosed our application, fee, and supporting documents.  That feels like forever to a mama who is waiting to go get her little ones!  So...I was ecstatic to see that text this morning - totally thrilled that it only took TWO DAYS for someone to open my package.

Jeremy and I are off to get a big stack of paperwork notarized later this morning, so it's a good day for adoption paperwork at our house! :)  Thank you so very much for your prayers and support.  Please keep praying!  We can send our paperwork to Eastern Europe as soon as we receive...

1.) Marriage certificates with apostilles from California (They are supposed to be processed Friday, but we've already been waiting two weeks.)
2.) Our I-171h from USCIS

My day is complete.  Texts from Immigration and notaries make me smile.  I hope your day is filled with whatever makes you smile, too.

My Freezer is Full!

It's 5:45pm.  My two-year-old is having a mommyIneedsomethinginmybelly melt-down on the kitchen floor.  My husband is just pulling into the driveway and in just a few seconds will be coming through the front door with food on his mind.  I am standing in front of my empty refrigerator, willing something that resembles dinner to magically appear on the shelves.  Anyone else been there?


I have had way too many panic attacks trying to make dinner plans at five o'clock after a R-E-A-L-L-Y long day.  That's why, when two of my friends suggested we try a freezer cooking day last month, I jumped on the idea right away.  Our March cooking day took place on a Saturday when our wonderful husbands could hang out with the kids.  We were a little optimistic about what we could accomplish and ended up cooking from 9:00am to 7:00pm - yikes!  (The freezer full of food I came brought home was well worth the effort, though.)


This morning we tried our second freezer cooking day.  We learned from our mistakes last time and set our sights a little lower.  We cooked from about 10:00am to 2:30pm and each ended up with the yummy stuff listed below.


-Two 8X8 pans of Chicken Chow Mein
-Two 8X8 pans of Poppyseed Chicken
-11 Southwest Roll-Ups 
-Pizza dough for four pizzas
-About three dozen oatmeal chocolate chip cookies 
(I hardly ever make cookies because three of us cannot should not eat three dozen in two days.  A friend from church recently suggested freezing cookie dough in cookie-sized balls.  I put them on a cookie tray in the freezer for a couple of hours and then throw them in a freezer bag.  Now I can bake one, two, or three dozen cookies at a time.  Love it!  Thanks, Stefanie!)


Last month, instead of staring at my 'fridge when I started to go into Five O'Clock Panic Mode, I opened my freezer.  Dinner magically appeared...every time. =)  Also, I was able to quickly prepare a meal for company after a long day at work, and I had plenty of quick and easy meals to give away if someone got sick or had a new baby.  All in all, I think our two freezer cooking days have been totally worthwhile.


So...want to grab a couple friends and try it?  Here are a few things we've learned along the way...


-Start small.  We tried six recipes (tripled or more) the first time around.  That was over-the-top.  This time we did three recipes and made enough for each of us to take home two batches.  We also made pizza dough and cookie dough.
-Plan ahead so you can shop around for good deals.  If you decide on your recipes a couple of weeks in advance, you can usually find your ingredients on sale.  We used chicken for all three recipes this time, and we were all able to get it on sale at Kroger.
-Hire a babysitter or cook on Saturday when dads are around.  We've had one cooking day without kids (well, my friend's six-month-old joined us, but she was very sweet and cooperative) and one with kids (three kids two and under to be exact).  The day without kids went MUCH. MORE. SMOOTHLY.  I'm a pretty good multitasker, but multiplying fractions to double a recipe while trying to dodge little ones, teach sharing, and dish out snacks is a challenge!
-Try recipes you've used before.  We learned this the hard way when our freezer burritos were a major pain in the rear not really fun to roll up.


It's been a little challenging to find good freezer recipes, so I thought I'd share three that we've all enjoyed.  (If you have any good ones to pass along, please do!)


White Chicken Chili
This recipe was given to me by a friend a few years ago.  I make it all the time.  It's super easy.  It doubles (or triples) really well, and it's a great freezer recipe.


2-3 chicken breasts, cooked and shredded or chopped
1 family-size can cream of chicken and rice soup (Walmart sells this in their store brand.)
1 family-size can water (You can use less if you like your soup to have a thicker consistency.)
1 14.5 oz can kidney beans
1 14.5 oz can black beans
1 can sweet corn (whole kernel, not creamed)
1 can Ro-tel tomatoes and green chiles (We're big fans of spicy food, so we usually use the hot variety.  Stick with original or mild if you can't handle the heat.  Original has just a little zing.)
1 teas. cumin


Combine all the ingredients except the sweet corn in a large saucepan.  Bring to a boil.  Reduce heat and simmer for 25 minutes.  Add the sweet corn.  Cook until heated through (about five more minutes).  Serve with sour cream, shredded cheese, and Fritos (yum!).


Pizza Pasta Casserole
This recipe was taken from the Taste of Home website.  Last month I served it to four kiddos (ages four, three, two, and one) and they all ate it.  What kid wouldn't eat something named Pizza Pasta?


2 lbs. ground beef
1 large onion, chopped
2 jars (28 oz each) spaghetti sauce
1 pkg (16 oz) spiral pasta
4 cups (16 oz) shredded part-skim mozzarella cheese
8 oz sliced pepperoni


Cook spiral pasta noodles according to package instructions.  While pasta is cooking, in a large skillet over medium heat, brown ground beef and onion until beef is no longer pink.  Drain fat.  Once noodles are cooked and drained, stir in the spaghetti sauce and pasta.  Spray two 9"X13" baking pans with non-stick cooking spray and divide mixture into both casseroles evenly.  Sprinkle each with cheese and top with pepperoni.  Cool if needed; then cover and freeze.


To cook: Thaw casserole in 'fridge overnight.  Bake uncovered at 350F for 35-40 minutes or until heated through.


Poppyseed Chicken
Two sweet friends made this for me after Emma was born.  They gave it to me frozen in 8X8 pans.  It's yummy, easy, and another big hit with all ages.


Combine the following and spread in a greased 8X8 pan...
Shredded chicken (two breasts or one small rotisserie chicken)
2 10.5 oz cans cream of chicken soup 
1 pint sour cream 
1 Tbsp. poppyseed


Top with...
One roll of Ritz crackers, crushed
One stick of melted butter


Cover and freeze.


To cook: Thaw overnight in the 'fridge.  Bake at 350F for 30 minutes.  Serve over rice or chow mein.


I hope you enjoy these and maybe get brave enough to try your own freezer cooking day.  If you do, I'd love to hear about it.  Please, please share your good freezer recipes with me!  It's always fun to try something new.


On another note, please pray for our adoption paperwork to come together quickly.  We are waiting on two important papers.  (If you want to pray really specifically, one is called an I-171h and the other is an official copy of our marriage certificate from a very slow state WWAAAAYYY out west.)  I PROMISE my next post will be about our adoption.  Lots of you have asked about our recent change of direction.  Thanks so much for asking and praying.  We appreciate it more than you know.

I Am NOT Supermom

If you're a teeny little bit competitive like me, you've caught yourself watching other moms with amazement.  Sometimes it seems like the world is full of mommies who fly through the supermarket with three babies and a binder full of alphabetically-ordered coupons; breeze through security at the airport, folding a double stroller with one hand and pulling snacks out of a diaper bag with the other; or wake up at 4:30 every morning to finish an hour of P90X before whipping together a batch of homemade Spiderman cupcakes for their son's class party.  


I am NOT one of those moms.  I often find myself wishing that I could grab hold of Supermom's cape and ride along through her world of organic meals from the garden, beautiful FINISHED scrapbooks, and freshly mopped floors.  (If you ever want to mop my kitchen, come on over.  I despise mopping!)


Last night I had a particularly non--Supermomish experience.  Emma has been fighting a nasty cough.  I woke up around 2:00 to her voice on the monitor, "Grandma!  Grandma!"  (She wasn't completely delirious; Jeremy's parents were visiting this weekend.)  I went to her room, got her settled down, and headed back to bed.


Forty-five minutes later, she's awake again.  I head back to her room, thinking a few very non-Supermomish thoughts.  I give her some Motrin (exactly what Supermom would do, right?) and convince her that Grandma definitely does not want to play at 2:45am.  


At this point, for some random reason, I realize I am completely starving.  I head to the kitchen and pour myself a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.  (FYI...Supermom does NOT keep sugary cereal in her cabinet, and she definitely does not eat it at two in the morning.)  I finish my horribly sugar-filled snack, and go to put the Motrin away.  As I slide the bottle back onto the shelf, I hear a loud crash.  Even in the semi-darkness, I can see that I have knocked Emma's glittery purple nail polish off the shelf and onto the ceramic tile below.  Lovely.


By now I am utterly beyond any hope of falling right back into a yummy, dream-filled sleep when I go to bed.  I turn on all the lights and frantically grab a washcloth.  Have you ever tried to clean nail polish off ceramic tile?  It's so not fun.  Thankfully, after twenty minutes of scrubbing and some very non-conventional use of nail polish remover, most of it comes off; but I'm left with one disgusting washcloth and two very glittery purple hands.


Okay...here's the really bad part.  My sister was visiting in February.  She knocked bright red nail polish off the same shelf onto the same section of tile.  Supermom would have learned her lesson then.  Not me.  I just brilliantly bought new nail polish and put it back on the same shelf.  The beige tile that my husband and father-in-law spent hours laying the perfect stair-step pattern I picked out, is quickly starting to look like a glittery red and purple mosaic.


At 3:30, I finally head back to bed, where I lay wide-awake on my pillow.  When I hear someone calling for grandma at four o'clock, it's almost funny.


So, the next time your fingers slip off the hem of Supermom's cape and you find yourself flat on your face in Realmomville, I hope you'll think of me.  As you lay there, picture my desperate scrubbing and my glittery purple hands.  Laugh a little, and remember I'm right there with you.

What It Means to Be Held

Starting a blog was something I was supposed to do months ago.  Being a crazy perfectionist, I got stuck naming my blog.  Seriously.  I have been authoring blog posts in my mind for months, and I haven't shared them because the perfect name for my blog hadn't struck me yet.  Ridiculous, I know.


So, while I am still waiting for an amazing name to pop into my brain, I did manage to come up with a name that is very meaningful to me.  Five years ago, I was walking through the darkest valley of my life.  My husband and I were battling infertility, and I was utterly devastated.  (I'll share more about that journey in another post.)  


As I struggled to hang on to God's faithfulness in the midst of my pain, I heard the song "Held" by Natalie Grant played on the radio.  The words spoke right to my heart.


We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

My Heavenly Father held me then, as I lay sobbing in the midst of my broken dreams.  His faithful arms were strong enough to hold me as I cried, raged, and questioned.  God kept his promise in my darkest hours.


Now I am a mommy, and I LOVE it.  Our daughter, Emma, was adopted in 2008.  She's full of two-year-old spunk, mischief, and unfettered curiosity.  Her antics make me laugh every day.  I can't get enough of the times when she spontaneously tells me, "Mommy, I love you so much!"


I have climbed the mountain on the other side of my valley of sadness, but I do not know what the trail ahead will hold.  We are starting a new journey as we follow the Lord's leading to bring two children from Eastern Europe into our family (more about that later, too).  I'm a total control freak.  I'm not a huge fan of uncertainty, so following God one small step at a time drives me insane is challenging for me.  


Daily, I am learning that the same God who held me in my grief is holding me today.  He holds my dreams for my family.  He holds the waiting orphans whose pictures break my heart.  He holds the future, and he is faithful.