What It Means to Be Held

Starting a blog was something I was supposed to do months ago.  Being a crazy perfectionist, I got stuck naming my blog.  Seriously.  I have been authoring blog posts in my mind for months, and I haven't shared them because the perfect name for my blog hadn't struck me yet.  Ridiculous, I know.


So, while I am still waiting for an amazing name to pop into my brain, I did manage to come up with a name that is very meaningful to me.  Five years ago, I was walking through the darkest valley of my life.  My husband and I were battling infertility, and I was utterly devastated.  (I'll share more about that journey in another post.)  


As I struggled to hang on to God's faithfulness in the midst of my pain, I heard the song "Held" by Natalie Grant played on the radio.  The words spoke right to my heart.


We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held

My Heavenly Father held me then, as I lay sobbing in the midst of my broken dreams.  His faithful arms were strong enough to hold me as I cried, raged, and questioned.  God kept his promise in my darkest hours.


Now I am a mommy, and I LOVE it.  Our daughter, Emma, was adopted in 2008.  She's full of two-year-old spunk, mischief, and unfettered curiosity.  Her antics make me laugh every day.  I can't get enough of the times when she spontaneously tells me, "Mommy, I love you so much!"


I have climbed the mountain on the other side of my valley of sadness, but I do not know what the trail ahead will hold.  We are starting a new journey as we follow the Lord's leading to bring two children from Eastern Europe into our family (more about that later, too).  I'm a total control freak.  I'm not a huge fan of uncertainty, so following God one small step at a time drives me insane is challenging for me.  


Daily, I am learning that the same God who held me in my grief is holding me today.  He holds my dreams for my family.  He holds the waiting orphans whose pictures break my heart.  He holds the future, and he is faithful.