Please don't ask me this question. Ever.
I've heard it (and its unsavory variants - "I'd never have guessed she wasn't your own." "Don't you want your own kids?" and "She looks like she could be your own.") more times than I care to count.
No, I don't know what it feels like to have a baby grow inside my body for nine months; I've never given birth; and none of my children have my DNA. But that doesn't mean my love for my children is lesser (or even different) than it would be if they had my genes. It doesn't mean that I secretly wish for something more when I hug my sweet kiddos. Because I don't. Period.
I know what it's like to look at my child and feel as though my heart could explode inside my body. I've experienced the paralyzing fear of letting my precious little one go out into the world (read: cross the alley) alone. I've questioned how parents go on breathing, moving, living after losing a child because I can't imagine that my heart could keep beating if I lost one of mine.
I've cried at the first glimpse of my new baby, lost sleep worrying that one of my kids was hurting, and agonized over my less-than-perfect parenting decisions. I've cleaned puke, changed exploding diapers, and been peed on. I've had moments where I've wondered if I'd ever sleep all night again, ever go to the bathroom by myself again, ever sit down for an entire meal again.
I know what the people who ask these questions mean to say. They want to know if my children are biologically related to me. No, my kids are not my biological children. (What, you noticed that I'm not Chinese?)
But all of them are irrevocably, without-question, forever-and-always, 100% my own.
and NATURALLY yours TOO!!!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely, Christie!
DeleteAmen. as an adult who was adopted by my beloved parents as a baby. Amen.
ReplyDeleteThank you! I hope our kids feel the same way when they are adults.
DeleteBecause we do have bio children we are always asked "Well, which ones are yours?" All of them..and then I make the person mad mad mad because I won't answer the question the way they want. Frustrating!
ReplyDeleteThey are ALL yours! That is a frustrating question. I know people usually ask these things out of curiosity or ignorance, not spite, but I wish they would stop and think how such questions make our little ones feel.
DeleteLove this heartfelt and honest post, Tonya. What is "Cross the Alley?" I would love to know. Will you email me? lisa.michelle.murphy@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteThanks and congrats on your beautiful family:)
Lisa Murphy
www.everythingmadi.blogspot.com
Just emailed you, Lisa. Thanks for your sweet comment!
DeleteIf you haven't already been asked, "are they brothers?" get your answer ready.
ReplyDeleteI was asked if my kiddos were brother and sister for the first time this week. My prepared answer I've been holding on to for the occasion, a smile and simply stated "We're a family." The woman asking the question caught on that I didn't think her question was appropriate in front of my kids. She later went on to explain that she was adopting her foster child... but I didn't care. We're just a family out enjoying dinner together. Leave us alone, stranger.